Detox (Self Inflicted Harmony)
Disclaimer - Hello world, I hope you are all well, healthy and safe. I want to express before going into today’s reflection that this post is a couple of things, but it is not a cry for help. I am as well as I can be, although the last few weeks have been emotionally taxing as all hell. I was going to to do a write up for a different art piece, but with the hand I’ve been dealt recently I felt the need to dump some very immediate emotions into this week’s blog. I see this as more of a companion to the art included, a piece I worked on at the beginning of the pandemic as an emotional response to everything going on. And today, while sitting down to reflect and write, this spilled out of me. Thanks for your time and for reading. Be well.
My head is screwed on crooked, my mind is askew. My heart is inflamed, pressure growing against my chest. My eyesight can barely focus, peripheral vision blurred.
I can’t. I won’t. I shouldn’t. Maybe I’ll fall. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Probably. Why bother.
I am my own worst enemy as I pace around my living room afraid of acting, of trying, of attempting, of aiming, of failing.
Thoughts spinning at 100 miles per second but I stand still and stay in place. I go nowhere. I feel the feedback loop. I experience the feedback loop. I am the feedback loop.
A self inflicted harmony of doubts and fears and anxieties seer through my core as I refuse to believe that any other state is achievable. If I slow down I’ll drop dead. If I DON’T feel anxious maybe I’m just LYING to myself.
I declare I'll learn nothing in these times. I'll feel, I manifest and I'll brood. But learn? No, I can't learn anything here.
Maybe this heightened state is an enlightened state. I see through your force fed optimism that you use in order to assure yourself things are OK. Things will be OK. Things have to be OK.
Emotional tremors fueled by pure, uncut, unadulterated angst and frustration that leave me paralyzed. What is this? How did I get to this place? How do I GET OUT?
Maybe if I slow down. Maybe if I breathe.
I’ve binged. Now it’s time to purge.
Purge the ugliness. Purge the fear. Purge the vices. Purge the voices.
I can be OK. I will be OK. Things will be OK. Detox the mind from the outside, reflect and learn to be. Just...be. Become.