Alexander Sylvester

Introspective Musings

# 3

Detox (Self Inflicted Harmony)

Explore, create, inspire

Our experiences, stories and introspective journey's are most powerful when shared and discussed. It is here that I want to share an intimate, personal experience with others instead of clawing through the noise of social media feeds. Couple with the visual art I've produced over the years, Introspective Musings is the bridge between audience and artist; a written account of how these visions come to be.

Detox (Self Inflicted Harmony)

Detox, 2020.

Disclaimer - Hello world, I hope you are all well, healthy and safe. I want to express before going into today’s reflection that this post is a couple of things, but it is not a cry for help. I am as well as I can be, although the last few weeks have been emotionally taxing as all hell. I was going to to do a write up for a different art piece, but with the hand I’ve been dealt recently I felt the need to dump some very immediate emotions into this week’s blog. I see this as more of a companion to the art included, a piece I worked on at the beginning of the pandemic as an emotional response to everything going on. And today, while sitting down to reflect and write, this spilled out of me. Thanks for your time and for reading. Be well. 

My head is screwed on crooked, my mind is askew. My heart is inflamed, pressure growing against my chest. My eyesight can barely focus, peripheral vision blurred. 

I can’t. I won’t. I shouldn’t. Maybe I’ll fall. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Probably. Why bother. 

I am my own worst enemy as I pace around my living room afraid of acting, of trying, of attempting, of aiming, of failing. 

Thoughts spinning at 100 miles per second but I stand still and stay in place. I go nowhere. I feel the feedback loop. I experience the feedback loop. I am the feedback loop. 

A self inflicted harmony of doubts and fears and anxieties seer through my core as I refuse to believe that any other state is achievable. If I slow down I’ll drop dead. If I DON’T feel anxious maybe I’m just LYING to myself.

I declare I'll learn nothing in these times. I'll feel, I manifest and I'll brood. But learn? No, I can't learn anything here.

Maybe this heightened state is an enlightened state. I see through your force fed optimism that you use in order to assure yourself things are OK. Things will be OK. Things have to be OK. 

Emotional tremors fueled by pure, uncut, unadulterated angst and frustration that leave me paralyzed. What is this? How did I get to this place? How do I GET OUT? 

Maybe if I slow down. Maybe if I breathe. 



And out. 


And exhale. 

I’ve binged. Now it’s time to purge. 

Purge the ugliness. Purge the fear. Purge the vices. Purge the voices. 

I can be OK. I will be OK. Things will be OK. Detox the mind from the outside, reflect and learn to be. Become.




I have a feeling, feel free to call it whatever you choose, that has been brewing in me more and more about the relationship we have with this idea we call “Coincidence”. This feeling stems from being dead center between a place of spirituality and cold, scientific rationale. Deep down it’s not lost on me that we are wired to see patterns and make connections, as it’s benefited our innate instinct for survival and evolution of thought.
Serendipity - Life's Rhyme Scheme
There is no easy way to say what needs to be said, no simple way to convey the emotional landscape traversed in what feels like an endless stretch of time. Each day I attempt to put one foot in front of the other, in hopes that a promise of healing and progress will be achieved; that the effervescent light of purpose and life will rush back to me, cutting through the thick and viscous soup often known as dread (dressed in Grief’s clothing).
A Note from the Other Side
Allow room for your heart to break, allow time the necessary grace to carry you forward.
Necessary Pain
I've been thinking about what it means to be within an "apocalypse". When does one start and what does it look like? The word apocalypse comes from the Greek word apokaluptein, meaning to "reveal/uncover". Instead of the immediate cataclysmic imagery of war, famine, death and disease, what if it's more nuanced than that?
Apokaluptein (to reveal)
This week's post is a brain dump, a reflection on how anxiety tends to feel when living in the middle of an episode.
Detox (Self Inflicted Harmony)
How do I find the words, the strength, or the volition to trudge through the mire? For I know that the only way out is through, but I am paralyzed. How do I bring myself to lift my head from the muck where I’ve fixed my gaze? There’s a comfort in feeling as low as the ground beneath my feet. How do I navigate through the trenches without a map? It seems as if I am los? How do I know when it’s over? The process feels timeless, as if bending between past, present and future.
On Grief
It’s easy to allow our sense of introspection to fall to the wayside eleven and a half months out of the year, only returning to the bitter fruits of one’s yearly journey when they’ve gone past ripe. It’s become culturally embedded into many of us to approach the last week on the Gregorian calendar before our big annual reset to reflect on past successes, mistakes and trajectory moving forward. 
Growing Pains